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This is not my beautiful Onion

It's hard to believe, I know, but apparently this is a Real™ news story:

Melee Erupts at Ala. Girls Basketball Game

Let's see. How can we tell that these aren't people who spend their lives working with reporters?

"Initially, there were 30, then it started spreading like cockroaches," said another parent, J----- H---------.

Umm...okay. I've lived in Texas, so I can see, if only barely, how the first metaphor you might come up with for something spreading would be cockroaches. But then...

"People were screaming and running," Prattville cheerleader C------ C----- said. "Girls lost their cell phones. Keys got lost. It's something I will never forget."

Screaming and running, that's pretty bad I suppose. But the steps to arrive from there to "unforgettable" are girls losing their cell phones? And keys being lost? Oh. The horror. What about, oh, I don't know, the violence?!?! The fact that the parents joined in instead of trying to stop it? The fact that the police were zapping people with Tazers? Nope. Keys were lost.


My favorite bit--

"Police hit some participants with Tasers, but the shock prongs had been removed and there were no injuries."

I ask you: What fun are Tasers if the shock prongs are taken off? Isn't that a bit like using a wet noodle as a weapon?

I'm not sure what has me smiling more, this post or your Big Day successes. I do know this is "pee-in-my-pants funny." Your climb up the career ladder is just nice.